"I'm not getting enough feedback"
The key to revealing hidden information
At a recent workshop, I asked leaders what was hardest about feedback. Several said, “I don’t get enough feedback. I want more of it.” I hear this is in my coaching practice all the time. Throughout our careers, most of us are used to getting frequent feedback — performance evaluations, promotion, and leveling conversations, 1:1s all provide opportunities to hear how others think we’re doing. Feedback can be a powerful motivator for change. Typically we get feedback from our boss but often senior leaders or the CEO are too busy to provide much. Career ladders, which can help others provide feedback tend to peter out as we get further into leadership roles.
Observations from the team on our performance would be useful but power dynamics play into the equation. Even when we tell them we want their real thoughts, some — even many — will hold back. Giving feedback to anyone is hard, and offering it to a leader adds to the pressure. We wonder if you really want our thoughts. If we’re too honest will repercussions follow? Will we sidelined? Be offered fewer opportunities? Will we get that promotion? Will we be relegated to being seen as an outsider? Have less influence?
Then there are the practical aspects of speaking our mind. As much as feedback is hard to receive, many of us also have anxiety about giving it. If we muster the courage to give direct feedback we worry about our ability. What do we say? What if we flub it, communicating poorly? What if we get emotional and get angry or start to cry? Or we might need to time process our thoughts. By the time we know what we want to say, the moment has passed. Bringing it up again feels awkward and unnecessary.
If power dynamics and a fear of being good at feedback to make the team reluctant to share their observations, what can leaders do?
Recognize that we may not get feedback because of us. Maybe we don’t regulate our emotions well enough. They leak out. Wanting to avoid our strong emotions, the team avoids making direct comments about our work style.
Working to regulate our emotions (part of self-management) can create more psychological safety so people feel more comfortable sharing their real thoughts. Even if it doesn’t bring the flood you hope for, it’s always good to do. Using different language might help.
Instead of asking for feedback someone in one of my workshops finds the question “What advice do you have for me?” to yield good results.
Still, all of these might not be enough to get the amount of feedback we desire. Often the information is available but we fail to recognize it because it doesn’t come packaged as we expect. Feedback slips by without us noticing. Paying attention to more subtle signals can help us discover information about how we’re doing.
Here are a few things I’ve used as proxies for or doors to feedback.
Tossed off comments
Have you ever been in a meeting where someone made a sarcastic remark about a leader? Something like, “ (Name of leader) is a jerk.” hahaha they laugh afterward. “I’m just joking.” This to me is an unspoken piece of feedback to this person. Maybe it’s a joke? When I’ve dug deeper into comments like these I often find there is a piece of truth. Sometimes the comment is more subtle like, “Sure, I’ll add it to the list.” followed by a heavy sigh. Sarcasm is confusing because when asking the commenter, they are likely to say they were joking or ribbing the person. Whenever used about a leader or a task given by one, I see it as a likely proxy for feedback. There’s a good chance the power dynamic is off, at least in the eyes of the commenter. By the way, be careful not to write off someone who uses sarcasm often as “just the way they are.” This might be their communication pattern and it doesn’t mean there isn’t a message under there.
Complaints
It’s tempting to write off complaints especially if they frequently come from one person. We think it’s more about the person than us or the organization. They’re just perpetually unhappy, we reason with ourselves. This might be true. They might also be the carrier of a message from the team. They might be the one who’s in so much pain they can’t hold on to it anymore. There’s a good chance others might feel this way too. Slowing down to ask more questions can help us unravel this feedback knot. Are they truly someone who is never satisfied? These exist though not as often as we may think. Is there a message in there for us, even if not articulated well? Do others feel this way? It’s also good to remember the adage that complaints are unspoken requests.
Gossip
Gossip can be so destructive and negative it feels easy to ignore it. Or we think there’s nothing we can do to eliminate it. Even if the information is incorrect, gossip can point us in the right direction. Sometimes people gossip as a way to fill in missing information. It’s feedback about the way we’re communicating. It can indicate a need for a higher frequency of communication, the depth of information we’re sharing, or how we’re positioning a decision. Tempting though it may be to write off gossip as typical human behavior, it’s often very useful feedback to the leadership team. It may also be worthwhile to consider what message there may be for you as an individual leader.
Silence
This is a tricky one. Sometimes not having much to say can be chalked up to a truly introverted teammate or someone who lacks confidence. But sometimes it’s a proxy for feedback they’re unable or unwilling to express. The key is to find out the difference. I’m always curious about people who don’t say much. Yes in team meetings but importantly in our 1:1 conversations. I want to know what’s going on inside their brain. When someone doesn’t have much to say about the direction of the team I take it as my cue to ask more questions. By the way, avoidance can also be an indicator that something is amiss but the person doesn’t feel comfortable talking with you about it.
It can feel like we’re never getting enough feedback. There are challenges for sure. And, if you change the way you think about what feedback looks like, you might just find it hiding all over the place.
If this piece resonated with you, please let me know and give the heart button below a tap.