Nine Meditations on Group Norms

Emerging thoughts

One of the things I love about living in New York City is the subway — specifically writing while riding it. As the cars rush along the city tracks and tunnels, I’ve done some of my best thinking. Mostly this writing is small snippets that eventually find a home in a larger piece. Sometimes, the thoughts flow into something that resembles an edition. I try not to edit these too much, preferring to leave them a bit more on the philosophical side. Today’s edition is one of the latter. It’s a subject that’s adjacent to a collection on org dynamics I’ve written about including here and here. I will no doubt be returning to this topic again. Consider this an appetizer.

One.

Every group has underlying patterns, values and principles. They’re the building blocks of the community. They’re filament, that is, connective tissue binding members together. Norms help members understand expectations for behavior, customs they follow and how to communicate with others. Norms are a natural part of every organizing unit. Rather than trying to avoid them, we should look for those places that mesh with our personal ways of being.

Two.

Groups are living, breathing entities. While there might be stability over time, especially for the more established, their dynamic nature means norms change as members enter and exit or as the external environment shifts. This is the nature of all organisms. Group norms can start out positive and morph over time into something that isn’t healthy for some or even the whole group. The shifts can go undetected in the moment, only recognized when looking back.

Three.

A while back I joined a group. At first it felt good, I felt in alignment with the established norms. Overtime, as all organic beings do, the entity morphed as people changed (as they do), as people left and entered. These shifts were imperceptible at first. Over time, they became more obvious. I felt a gap emerging. My awareness grew until it became like a pebble in my shoe, creating friction. And then, irritation. It was like that saying — things changed slowly and then all at once. I reached out, an attempt to connect with others, hoping to find my way back in. My efforts were met with a pleasant response but ultimately went nowhere. While the connections between other members grew, mine remained stagnant. I began feeling invisible, then like an outsider. I resolved to leave yet remained for many months longer. I hoped to find that magic again, the way back to a place that once felt like somewhere I belonged. A small part of me worried what it meant to leave a group that was once so important to me. No matter what I tried, the magic never returned. It felt like I was encased in a bubble looking out to myself. No longer feeling like I belonged, I showed myself out. The relief was immediate and palpable. Maybe you’ve felt this way too?

Four.

My experience was a perfect reminder that in organisms, long-term homeostasis is an illusion. We should expect the group and the norms to shift. They might shift one way and then back again. They might take a totally different direction. This evolution is normal. I say this because when norms change and we find ourselves no longer happy, it’s tempting to make them wrong. Toxic group behavior might make us feel that way. Sometimes, a group is just no longer a fit. Their behavior might feel good for other members and not for us.

Five.

When the dynamics of the community no longer feel good, we can give ourselves permission to leave. There is no shame in it no longer being a place we want to be. We can leave without judgement or feeling like a failure. Still, it’s not always easy. When it comes to work, leaving can be tricky with practical considerations like salary and benefits. We might feel like leaving means losing friends. Even when we have the choice to leave, it can make us question our identity, wonder where we belong or even wonder if we did something wrong. These feelings can keep us stuck. When we’re able to finally remove ourselves, like me, relief often follows.

Six.

Like my situation, groups can morph and slip away from us before we notice. (again, groups are organic beings prone to change) Sometimes we see hints and as a leader, wonder if we should deal with it head on, intervene to bring the organism back to its original balance. We may be confused, pondering what to do with these tiny rumblings for far too long. Groups can also shift after big events like when an influential leader leaves, mass departures like layoffs, or a secret is revealed leaving group members distrustful. These events both big and small can transform social norms in positive or negative ways. All of this makes guiding group dynamics tricky.

Seven.

While there’s much we can do to shape a group, they’re organic which means they’re prone to evolve. When scared or feeling out of control we can grasp the group too tightly or adopt a command and control leadership style where rules are rigid and come from the top. Cultures like these can calcify, leaving little freedom for independent thought and action. Members can feel a need to conform or else be shunned. Everyone needs some level of autonomy so eventually, when presented with another choice, people flee. This can introduce instability causing a fearful leader to lean even harder on control measures. The cycle continues.

Eight.

We must take care with the norms that become institutionalized. Unless we consciously pay attention, they often form around the loudest voice, typically someone in power: a founder, titled leader or early group member with distinct opinions, behaviors and loads of influence. These norms are often implicit, settling in without much notice. Being explicit with our norms provides the opportunity to talk openly about expectations. This also makes it easier for group members to decide whether to continue to renew their group membership or to leave (or quit in the case of employees). It must be said, group norms are not the same as having a monoculture. Exclusionary behavior should never be tolerated. For sustainable entities, we can and must, develop inclusive practices.

Nine.

Unless a group is tiny, smaller groups will split out. Early in my career, I noticed this phenomenon. I thought, aren’t we supposed to be one big entity moving synchronously? I was naive I suppose. After seeing small ones form in other organizations, I realized that groups are often made up of smaller sub groups. These might be interest groups, teams within a sizable engineering department, a leadership team that’s become too large to all sit around the proverbial table or even just people who enjoy being with each other. These smaller units provide a way to make them more manageable for work. It’s also a way for people to find kinship. Sub groups having their own norms isn’t a cause for concern. It’s how they connect, how they brush up against each other, how they communicate and how connected they are to the larger entity that matters. Having a group of groups is natural — it does make leading the big entity more complex. This is some of the most challenging work of leadership.

As my stop approached, I put away my notebook and walked into the sunshine still thinking about the nature of groups. I’ve been leading, faciliating and navigating them for many years. You’d think I’d find them to be predictable. In some ways they are (for example, expect change or smaller groups to form) but in other way they remain a mystery. They still surprise me, make me ponder the nature of relationships and human nature. I think it’s their mysterious nature makes me happily return to organizations and their dynamics over and over again.

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