Taking Responsibility Without Sliding Into Shame
An important lesson for leaders
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When I started Suzan’s Fieldnotes, I didn’t really know what it was going to be. I just knew that I wanted to talk about the reality of leadership rather than in an academic way. I allowed myself to discover the form. I wrote essays. Then I started an interview series. After launching the Leaders Unscripted podcast a couple of months ago, it was time to give this space some structure.
So, two years after I launched I’ve landed on a format. Each week there will be an essay followed by links to interviews with leaders. Sometimes there might be a link to a longer article on my site, Constellary. I’m also publishing on Tuesday now so that I can share the podcast episode of the week.
Welcome to the new format. Now, on to this week’s edition.
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A while back I tweeted this.
The response was immediate. I got private messages from leaders telling me how much it resonated with them, and how much it was just what they needed to hear.
“I’d attend this TED talk.”
“Still working on this one!”
“Needed to see this. I screwed up twice in the last week, both times felt deep shame. I'm not usually someone who is shame-driven. But they were both my fault, clearly, and I was doing something both thoughtlessly and with poor judgment.”
Operating in complexity and uncertainty, leaders are bound to make mistakes. When faced with feeling like the cause of someone else’s pain, many of us go to shame. Making an error, especially when others are affected, is an upsetting experience for most of us.
Many leaders took the role to have a positive impact on others. Discovering that we’ve done the opposite can heighten the experience of making a mistake. For those who make decisions in public as leaders do, shame is even more likely to come.
On Mistakes
Mistakes can cause ruptures in relationships. This is normal. It’s not the mistake that determines the course of the relationship, it’s what we do afterward.
Mistakes that aren’t acknowledged can sow distrust. This strains relationship bonds. Unless repaired, those relationships break. The surface area grows. When the mistake is at the leadership team layer, an us vs them culture begins to form. Even though we’re all on the same team, we feel like enemies. This creates a negative work environment and is counter to achieving our objectives.
Admitting a mistake or misstep helps others to feel seen and understood — it’s balm for wounded relationships. It rebuilds trust, an important building block of healthy, well-functioning relationships.
On Shame
Shame is a supremely negative emotion. It’s rarely helpful, mostly harmful. Shame causes us to doubt ourselves and lose confidence. All of this adds friction to the process of repairing the relationship.
Shame spirals are hard to climb out of. We don’t want our leaders living in this negative place. When we’re stuck in shame, we’re less likely to admit our mistakes out loud leading us to downplay other’s experience or to shift the blame. All of this gets in the way of owning a mistake and in rebuilding trust.
As leaders, we need to take responsibility for our actions without going into shame.
On Responsibility
What does it mean to take responsibility? In coaching, we have this saying, “stick around to clean up your mess.” This acknowledges that mistakes are part of human relationships. Sticking around means taking responsibility for our actions and impact. It means rather than ignore, we invite conversation. We listen openly when others share the impact of our choice. We reflect on what we might learn from the situation.
As leaders, we have to make space for being imperfect and give ourselves room to grow even while doing this in public. When we do, we can take responsibility for our actions without shaming ourselves.
When we’re willing to be vulnerable, and admit the mistake without shame, we strengthen our connection with others, something sustainable cultures are built on.
PODCAST EPISODE OF THE WEEK
Acquisitions are times of great change which can make them tricky. I’ve wanted to share a behind-the-scenes look at an acquisition and was thrilled when Zac Smith, Co-Founder and CEO of Packet said yes. Even better, he invited his twin brother and Co-Founder Jacob Smith to come along to talk about Equinix’s acquisition of Packet.
In our lively conversation we talked about their mission, the role their background as musicians played, how to bring the team along after an acquisition, melding cultures, and the mistakes they made along the way.
It was a fun and eye-opening conversation about the realities of leading while getting acquired. Tune into episode 11 of Leaders Unscripted, as they share how they created their own luck to catalyze the opportunity of a lifetime.
Here are two small snippets from our conversation.
You can read my interview with Zac and Jacob Smith here.
As always, thank you for your support of this substack and the leaders featured! Here’s more about how Constellary supports companies and leaders.
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