The Risk of Implicit Agreements
Why we have to talk about the "talking"
Implicit agreements are a hidden killer of relationships. These unspoken agreements erode trust and ultimately doom partnership.
They can develop in reporting relationships, between org leaders and even departments. All work relationships are at risk for them but especially for org leaders whose work requires strong partnerships, up, down and across.
These implied understandings guide our interactions — how we behave, the norms we adopt and what we focus on. These unspoken “rules” are often created organically as we work together. They’re common when we focus on reaching the goal, treating the relationship as sort of an afterthought.
Unspoken agreements are often set unintentionally by the more vocal party. This can lead the other party to accommodate, acting in ways that feel unnatural or uncomfortable. Over time resentment and friction builds. When the accommodating party can no longer keep it up, conflict bursts to the surface putting the relationship at risk.
The trick? We don’t realize these agreements are operating or that we don’t actually agree on the rules of engagement. The vocal party might think things are moving along well while the other party is silently suffering. Because implied agreements are unnamed, they operate like an invisible hand in the background. This makes it difficult to shift them. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.
Recognizing implicit agreements
I’ve been both the vocal and the accommodating party and can attest how frustrating it feels on both sides. The accomodator twists themselves in knots, trying to make the partnership work. As it continues, the interactions become more difficult and trust erodes. While the accommodating person might suffer longer, the vocal (and unsuspecting party) can feel shocked when they realize the partnership isn’t as solid as they thought it was. Often they don’t mean to dominate, they’re operating out of what’s “normal” for them. This can lead to a breakdown in trust and a crisis of confidence.
The key is recognizing that implied agreements are driving our interactions. One way to do that is to recognize when we’re accomodating or being overly vocal.
Signs you’re the accommodating party
We say things like, “I’m working with a narcissist.” While there are narcissists out there, often it’s a sign that we’re giving in too much and need to put up a boundary or speak up about our needs.
We find interacting with the other person increasingly exhausting. This likely means we’re bending too much in the relationship and a sign hidden agreements are at work.
We feel frustrated in shared projects with a person or group but can’t put our finger on why. We might find ourselves complaining to others about the situation but haven’t addressed it with the “frustrating” party.
Signs you’re the “vocal” party
We feel unspoken frustration or something a feels off but we can’t put our finger on it. While we’re getting our needs met the connection doesn’t feel natural or easy.
We assume everyone will speak up about what they need. We assume the other party is ok since they haven’t spoken up.
Others might tell us how good we are at knowing what we need or speaking up for ourselves. This is good. There’s also a chance that we haven’t probed enough to ensure others are also getting their needs met.
Here are two more signs there’s hidden agreements in our relationship:
We haven’t explicitly talked about how we want to operate.
There’s ongoing friction or conflict.
The key to strong partnerships
Relationships that we allow to happen organically are more susceptible to unspoken agreements. Strong partnerships have co-created agreements about how we engage with each other. We talk about the talking, i.e. how we interact with each other. We explicitly outline how we work, communicate, handle conflict, and collaborate.
Being intentional about our partnerships and the norms we follow is a must, not a “nice to have” for org leaders. Explicit agreements create a space that builds trust and psychological safety because we’ve participated in creating the rules of engagement. We know what to expect. We know the contours of the boundaries. This avoids intractable conflict, eases friction and encourages partnership. When we make the invisible conversation visible, our partnerships become stronger and more effective.
Reflect on your most important work relationships.
How are they going? Is there tension?
Have you had direct conversations about how you collaborate?
Do you suspect there are implicit agreements?
Where might more explicit agreements help?
If you have partnerships you suspect have implicit agreements operating, step back and reset the relationship. Focus on getting to know each other. Talk about how you each like to work. If you tend to be vocal, ask and listen first. If you tend to accommodate, be more vocal, sharing your preferences.
This might seem like a distraction or sidestep to achieving goals but it’s actually the faster way to reach them and with less strife.
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I can help you or your team create more effective partnerships. Want to learn how? Book time on my calendar.