When Leaders Lack Confidence
Four common indicators
We commonly think of leaders as having big egos. Confidence to the max. Given all the lore, it’s hard to imagine them not being self-assured. We may even think they need to be knocked down a peg or two. In my experience, leaders aren’t immune to lacking confidence. We can experience this human emotion just like anyone else. I struggled with it myself the first time I stepped into a bigger role.
These common stereotypes — strong, have it all together, always have the answer — create pressure to perform confidence. This leads us to overcompensate with false displays of confidence when feeling unsure of ourselves. Self-doubt shows up in inexplicable ways, especially when it comes to leadership making it hard to spot.
A few common indicators I see.
Over-explaining
Giving too many details can indicate we think others don’t take us seriously. We worry that we don’t fit traditional molds of leadership. Feeling the need to demonstrate our competence, we go into excruciating detail. We’re trying to let you know we’ve thought it through. We know what we’re doing. Rather than portray confidence, we risk being seen as a know-it-all, condescending, or not focused on the right level of detail. I see this in newer leaders still finding their feet in the role. This one is also common in under-represented folks who often feel underestimated and like they need to prove themselves. This isn’t all in their heads, these folks often do have to work harder to get into leadership roles. It’s easy to feel like one mistake and you’re out.
Over-preparation
We act like a student who wants to get all As. We spend hours trying to make sure we understand all the facts. We check our work, then double-check it. Maybe one more time just for good measure. Our goal is perfection or as close as we can get to it. Trying to get it right is driven by feeling like a fake or like we need to prove ourselves. This is more harmful to ourselves than others though it can make us become blockers to the team if we get overloaded. At its worst, it can lead to overwhelm and burnout which is bad for everyone. Like over-explaining, external messages about what a leader looks like can play into this, especially for those who are under-represented. Those with multiple intersections — race, gender, sexuality, disability — can feel the need to perform confidence more acutely.
*This is the behavior I turned to when I felt insecure in my early days of leadership.
Micromanagement
We’re all familiar with this behavior. It’s often seen as an indicator of needing control. It seems like we don’t trust others. We might not. More importantly, it’s that we don’t trust ourselves. Feeling the weight of responsibility, we want to do a great job. To bolster our self-confidence, we review and manage every detail. It might shore up our flagging esteem but creates a negative experience for the team. They don’t grow, they feel stuck, and eventually, they leave. And, when we respond this way, we don’t learn to let go and trust ourselves in our new role. When we feel the need to delve into all the details and lock it all down, it’s time to step back and reflect on how we’re really feeling.
Egotism
We lead with confidence, boast about our accomplishments, and make statements about what we know. We don’t walk, we swagger. “I got this” seems to emanate from every cell of our body. Though counter-intuitive, underneath this self-assured facade often lurks uncertainty. Talking about accomplishments can be a way to shore up our inner confidence. While we try to emulate stereotypes by making ourselves appear self-assured, others see us as arrogant or egotistical. Rather than being someone, others want to follow, this behavior makes others tune us out. We lose influence. As our self-esteem craters, we double down on our efforts to look like a leader. A self-defeating cycle ensues.
So…what do we do about it?
If you recognize yourself in any of these you might be looking for solutions. There isn’t a quick fix. I’m sorry. Pressure accompanies these roles ratcheting up the discomfort. Feeling like we know what we’re doing takes time. We don’t always get enough support. The expectations are sky high. Adding to that is an unspoken understanding of what it means to be a leader. It’s a whole lot of uncertainty, ambiguity stress.
The first step is recognizing our belief in ourselves is flagging. Then we can reflect on our behavior. See the gaps in our knowledge or know-how. Finally, get support so we can have a deeper knowing that we’re on the right track.
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